While I wasn’t sleeping…
While I wasn’t sleeping…
Novemeber 2003
It’s 2 AM now. I am still wide awake. It has been a couple of hours since I laid in my bed. For hours I have laid with my eyes closed yet sleep does not come to visit me. I am restless that I decided to write what has been running in my mind.
I have heard more a number of times that in a lifetime we only get one chance to find true love. There was a time I found that love and I did everything to hold on to it. But no matter how strong I tried to grasp with all my might, she was slipping away. Until she was gone. The one true love that I had cherished so much had vanished into oblivion. Everything that I had believed in started to fade and I begin to question the very essence of love.
To be able to bear the pain of losing the person that I loved most, the lady that I have loved more than anything in this world, I held back my tears. For every tear that I held back, I reinforced my emotions with anger. For every lovely memory that reminded me of our time together, I substituted it with hatred. For every moment of grief, I fortified the walls of my heart with rage and fury. Until the very essence of my self was gone. To the extent that when I looked at myself in front of the mirror I no longer know who it is I see. Yet I had to accept that for it was the only way I knew that I could move on.
It took three good friends to remind me of who I was. They reminded me that the only way I could really move on was to face the pain in its bare essence. And they were right, when I confronted my pain, grief and sorrow its was only then that I really moved on.
It has been more than a year now since she died. I have moved on. Yet I still have a lot of questions in my mind.
Am I still capable of falling in love? Do I have get to have a second chance for true love? Or will I be bound by the saying that ” in a lifetime, you only find one true love” ? Does that mean that true love would be a lovely memory? Or will I be able to meet someone again that I would be able to share true love with?
Questions, questions, questions… When will I find the answers… I do not know …
